Not Home
by Lightning And Blossoms
Summary: Snow's still alive in my soul- he's still torturing and mocking me. I know of it, when Peeta has an episode, when he has to go back to the Captiol. I know of it, when I begin to doubt if it'll ever be okay again.
1. Chapter 1

**Not Home**; _Two-Shot;_

"Peeta's not home, baby, Peeta's just gone down back to the Captiol, sweetie," I kept repeating.

I wasn't scared. I was a little worried. But I wasn't scared. Last time Peeta went to the Captiol; it was on his own accord; he wanted to try therapy. It was a month after Lily was born. It wasn't abrupt- Peeta told me during the pregnancy as well. He barely ever had episodes, but he still wasn't a hundred per cent the same, and he wanted to be there fully for Lily, when she was born and would grow up. I was upset, of course, but I let him go. It was for the better, anyways.

And now, I have these memories again; of taking care of Lily when she was a baby, and for one month and a half, I had to take care of her. Alone. Walking alone through the corriders to calm my crying baby girl. Peeta didn't miss much- it was only when Lily was 2 months old and so- he still saw her walk, with me, and hear her talk, with me.

But now, just a week ago, Peeta had an episode. It was a huge shock, since he hadn't had an episode for about four years and a half. I really had thought he was okay. Lily's three years old and Virtue's a year old. I'm not even sure why he had an episode. It's not very common that he has an episode; it's still in the singular numerals; the amount of times he's had an episode in the 18 and a half years we've been back here, in District 12, from the Captiol, from the rebellion.

I came home from Haymitch's house that evening, and Peeta had sprayed the word mutt in tomato sauce all over the house. The bedroom was thrashed. He poured toothpaste down the sink and left the toothpaste on the toilet floor along with all my other things from the bathroom, like mouth waste, my hair brush... And him, himself, was crying and rocking on the porch outside, behind the house, near the shed. When he looked at me... I was terrified. He said to me, "I'm going back to the Captiol. I- I don't know how long I'll be there... but... I just... I'm sorry..." He stood up and when he unclenched his left fist, a little bit of his blonde hair strands, fell out.

It was horrible. I felt like going insane when I saw the words mutt. When I saw the look of horror on his eyes. But I couldn't because I love my children. And I love Peeta. What I realised that night is that, even though he is still fighting, he's still there- majority of the time. He stopped himself, he offered to go back- for us.  
But it's hard to see that now, when I'm holding my crying child and I'm alone. All alone. I'm trying not to get back into drinking with Haymitch. I've been sober for five years. It's hard not to think about it. It's all I've been thinking about for the past week. But... if I get drunk, whose going to take care of Lily and Virtue? Haymitch? I smile for the first time in about a week at the thought.

Finally Virtue stops crying. But I start. It's so hard to not cry when I know Peeta's probably talking to some therapist right now about me. Last time he went, it was okay... because it was for me and Lily, and he was... saner than when I had last saw him that week ago. I worry that whatever had turned him onto those episodes is still there- that I'll never get rid of it. But how can I get rid of it... without talking to Peeta about it? I'm scared to even do that; in case it'll set him off again.

"Ma..." Virtue says and looks up at me with gig eyes.

"Yes, sweetie?" I say, and pat his head.

He makes some weird noise and I stand up, going to get his food from the fridge. It's now time to feed his soul. When will my soul be satisfied? Snow's still alive in my soul- he's still torturing and mocking me. I know of it, when Peeta has an episode, when he has to go back to the Captiol. I know of it, when I begin to doubt if it'll ever be okay again.

**_Author's Note; Please review and let me know what you think!  
P.S. I don't own anything... expect, you know, the plot line thing on this fanfiction... FAN-FICTION... :) -Lightning And Blossoms_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Not Home**;_ Two-Shot;_

Chapter Two: 

I don't know if it's hatrd or disgust. Maybe it's both. Either way, I don't know if I have more more of both for Coin or Snow. I still see Coin's face when I shot her, and I don't feel any remorse whatsoever. Even though it was 18 and a half years ago.

I've got a son and a daughter now. My daughter, Lily, is three years old and Virtue, my son, is a year old. I can't afford to break now, but I have. Despite it all; I've broken. I can't stop thinking about drinking some alcohol with Haymitch. Or without him; he's grown a little but more saner after the rebellion. A little. So he probably wouldn't want me drinking any alcohol when I have Virtue and Lily. Especailly at this fragile age their at.

But I still think of ways I can get drunk without Haymitch knowing.

"Ma..." Virtue said to me moments ago, looking up at me with big eyes.

"Yes, sweetie?" I said, patting his head. He made some weird noise and I stood up, getting his food from the fridge. It was time to feed his soul. I couldn't help but wander if my soul would ever be satisfied.

Because Snow's still alive in my soul- he's still torturing and mocking me. I know of it, when Peeta has an episode, when he has to go back to the Captiol. I know of it, when I begin to doubt if it'll ever be okay again.

I've put Virtue back to sleep with Lily.

I don't know where I've got the will power to stand up and not get a drink from Haymitch's. But I have. Somehow. I think it's my love for Lily and Virtue. I can't help but feel a little frighted. I don't understand why Peeta suddenly had an episode. It was so abrupt.

One week later, nothing has changed. It's still the same way everything has been last week. Only difference was Haymitch came over once. Not for me- For my children, which was fine enough.

Another week later and I'm starting not to sleep. It's making me hallucinate a little; having all these fears and worries and paranoia alongside no sleep. It's not good.

Another week later. It's been three weeks from since Peeta left for the Captiol. I know last time, after Lily's birth, it took him a month before coming back to me. But that was because he left on his own accord. This time, he actually had an episode- last time, he was trying to prevent this. So I begin to cry a lot. I've become to break down all the barriers and walls that kept me strong the last three weeks and I'm an uncontrollable wreck.

Maybe Haymitch wanted to visit, or maybe he had a feeling, or maybe he heard me thrashing my house, because he came to see me at the end of that week when I let lose for the first time in a long while. I put my children to sleep, like I do every night; for the past three weeks, alone... at the same time. I moved to the other side of the house, where their was a living room and barely contained my frustration. I tried to kept the noise down, but slashing pillows around and cups and vases weren't good enough for me. Haymitch must've heard me, because his kitchen is closest to my living room. I must have making some noise.

He walked in the living room just as I reached for the television. Alarmed, he yelled, "Katniss!" but it was too late. I grabbed the huge flat screen and pulled down on it. It smashed onto the table which also broke because it was mainly made out of glass.  
I didn't realise I was sobbing until I stopped moving and stared at Haymitch. He moved a step forward and kept looking at me, not knowing what to do. I tried to calm my breathing, holding my hands to my face, but I wasn't helping.

"Oh, sweetheart," Haymitch exhaled. He wasn't drunk but he wasn't sober. He must have just started drinking.

Finally he moved forward, stepping hardly with his boots over glass and hugged me. I cletched his shoulders as I let myself cry. I've begun to think that Peeta isn't being helped. He's not coming back. Or maybe he's not going to come back for another month or two. He's probably getting worse as he's talking about his feelings or memories. He's probably-

There's a few things that happen. I stopped breathing. A door slammed open. Haymitch let go of me. Virtue has woken up and I can hear his wails from the opposite side of the house.

I never knew I'd care this much about the boy with the bread.

And so I see his face. At first I think I'm hallunicating; I've hardly slept in the past week or so. Plus, I'm not in a stable state.

"Ka... Katniss?"

At the sound of shock in his voice, I motion fulled by anger. I'm just about to shove Peeta when Haymitch grabs me and pulls me from the stomach.

Peeta doesn't say anything, only takes in the scene. He had shaved; but he didn't cut his hair. It's about halfway from his ear and shoulders.

"YOU IDIOT!" I whine. "Are you insane? Why are you here?"

"Katniss, I'm okay," he says.

I get out of Haymitch's grib. "No, Peeta. You'll never be. You'll always be gone. I don't thinkyou try; it's been about 19 years, Peeta! EXPLAIN WHY IT HASN'T STOPPPED! WHY WON'T IT STOP? HE'S DEAD- SNOW IS DEAD! WHY HAS HIS TORTURE YEARS AGO STILL TORTURE US?"

There was a pause. Almost complete silence; expect for Virtue's wailing turning into crying. I wipe my eyes and cheeks trying to keep calm and get rid of majority of the tears. "I'm sorry," I say simply as I moved away and go to Virtue and Lily.

**_Author's Note; I hope you liked it :) Let me know!_**

**_P.S. I don't own anything... expect, you know, the plot line thing on this fanfiction... FAN-FICTION... :) -Lightning And Blossoms_**


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